*Trigger warning: This article is meant for individuals struggling with their faith. It is in no way "anti-religion," but it may bring up some difficult feelings. This space is meant to be a safe space and any negative/hurtful comments will be deleted.*
I remember sitting in church many years ago and thinking, “I really just do not fit in here.” Despite attempts at keeping up appearances, I just never felt like I was part of the community, not fully. It’s been more than a decade since I left the religion of my childhood, and although it was difficult, I know for me, it was the right decision.
Do you feel like you belong in your religious community?
The sense of belonging that churches provide can be difficult to mimic elsewhere. As institutions that play a crucial role in the development of individuals, families, and communities, churches can contribute to individuals’ lives in ways that seem indispensable. In addition, it could be argued that high-demand religions that promote close-knit, traditional family structures, in-group socializing, multiple weekly meetings, and service to each other often create an even stronger sense of belonging for their members.
However, the strong bond felt between church members is often built upon sameness,
And when someone does not fit a specific mold, they can feel left out, or like they don’t belong. What happens when you feel like you don’t belong in your religious community or worse, you have been openly rejected based on your sexuality, gender identity, marital status, mental health status, or any other factor that places you outside of your religion’s norms? Feeling like you don’t belong is one of many reasons people question their religious beliefs. Someone who feels like they do not belong may begin to question their beliefs and eventually leave, or they may question their beliefs and find a way to stay.
Let’s back up a little though, and explain what I mean by “high-demand religion.”
High-demand religions are often sectarian, orthodox, all-encompassing faiths that demand strict obedience to behavioral codes of conduct from their members. High-demand religions also tend to be culturally exclusive, encouraging members to primarily socialize within the group. Members are often told that their group is special, that their members are the chosen ones, the only people who will be permitted to enter heaven or paradise in the afterlife. The religion is often led by church leaders who claim to be divinely appointed and who act as the mouthpiece of God. Such divinely appointed leadership can lead to all kinds of potential for abuse; I will cover that in a future blog… but let’s get back to you.
So what if you find yourself feeling out of place, like you don’t belong in the religion that you were raised in, the religion that your family is still connected to, the religion that taught you who you are and what your purpose in life is?
Feeling rejected or like you don’t belong in your religious community can be crushing.
There is nothing quite like feeling like an outcast; it can be extremely painful and isolating. And when you feel like an outcast in a community that played such a huge role in forming who you are as a person – it can call into question so many things including your sense of identity, your worth as a human being, your worth in the eyes of God or your higher power. Not only that – being rejected by family, friends, and church leaders may cause you to question the validity of the religion itself, which can leave you feeling like you are standing on shaky ground.
Like, the foundation you have been standing on has suddenly started to crumble beneath your feet and there is nothing to grab onto.
Having doubts about your faith can feel really scary. You may have been told not to read certain literature, not to have doubts, not to explore questions you have about your church. Maybe you have been told that you just need to have more faith, that you need to pray, read scripture, be more obedient – that if you were doing all of those things that you would not question the faith: You would feel the spirit, you would know your church was the one true church, and if you don’t feel it, there is something YOU are doing wrong.
These kinds of teachings often lead to feelings that if you are questioning your faith, you are just not good enough, obedient enough, that you are an evil or weak person.
I can tell you – all of these messages are a form of mind control.
That may sound like a bold statement, but telling someone that having questions means they are less-than or not good enough is victim blaming and controlling, and unfortunately it often keeps people trapped in a life that is not working for them for years, if not their entire life. Being taught to simply obey and not ask questions is why it can take so long for people to muster up the courage to really look at their beliefs and decide for themselves what they want to do with their spiritual lives.
Any organization that seeks to have so much influence over the lives of their members should, in theory, not feel threatened by close examination of their doctrine or history. So, what happens if you decide that you can no longer stay affiliated with your church?
Leaving is hard.
People who leave the religion of their childhood often remain in the faith for many years before fully disaffiliating from their church. By the time they leave they have usually been thinking about it for years. It’s like, they carry around this backpack full of doubts, moments of disconnect, cruel remarks, rejections, fear, shame, guilt, and disapproval. Over the years more and more things are added to the backpack, but they continue to carry it around. It’s exhausting, but they just keep trudging along because it is the right thing to do; they are on the right path and they will be rewarded someday for all of their suffering. Except that sometimes the backpack gets too heavy, and when the path gets too steep, moving forward becomes impossible.
At some point, for some people, staying in their church becomes no longer sustainable.
And leaving is hard – I cannot emphasize that enough. You may be feeling pressure from family, friends, and church leaders to stay – they may tell you they are disappointed in you. You may be grappling with answers to existential questions about the meaning of life and the afterlife – this can be so disorienting. Having to let go of lifelong relationships because of shunning or rejection based on your decision to leave – it’s so much. And learning how to rebuild post-religion can feel so overwhelming. What do you do from here? The world can feel very big and confusing, and if you no longer have a religion telling you how to behave – how do you decide what is right or wrong for you and your life? It’s rough.
But, you are not alone – not by a long shot.
According to the Pew Research Center’s Religious Landscape Study, between 35% and 66% (depending on the sect) of individuals born into some of the most well-known high-demand religions eventually leave the faith. That’s a high number! Which makes me wonder why we are not talking about this more.
Helping people heal from and deal with religious trauma and transitions is becoming more mainstream in mental health, but we have a long way to go.
I have talked to so many people who had a hard time finding counselors who “got it” when they were questioning or transitioning out of their religion. Especially for those who were members or former members of all-encompassing, high-demand religion, finding someone who understood the full impact of leaving such a faith was nearly impossible.
The one factor that helped was finding someone who had actually gone through a faith transition themselves.
And that’s where I can help. I have been through it and I get it. Maybe we did not leave the same faith, you and I, but I have a deep understanding of what it is like to leave a religious community that was such a huge part of your identity formation and social support. Not only have I been through it, but I have done extensive research on the subject.
A final word. I want to make sure that you know I am not “anti-religion.”
In fact, research shows that religious and spiritual beliefs can lead to many positive mental health outcomes. I also understand and support those who choose to stay in their religion even when they have been questioning their faith. Sometimes the cost of leaving is just too high – and finding a way to stay may be the best thing for you.
If you don’t want to disconnect from your faith, and you just need a safe place to talk about your struggles, I am here for you. I understand what you are going through, and as a person-centered, narrative therapist, I, by definition, have no agenda: You are the expert in your own life and I am not in the business of making assumptions or steering you in any one direction. I may have experience and knowledge, but ultimately my goal always, is for you to feel as empowered in your own life as possible.
If you are struggling with your religious beliefs, if you have suffered spiritual or religious abuse or trauma, or if you are just not sure how you feel about your spiritual life anymore, contact me – I would love explore with you what is the best path for your life going forward.
This is your life, and believe it or not, you have choices, even though it may not always feel like it.
Contact me, let's chat!
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