On Religion & Therapy: Seven Myths About Religious Exiters

*Trigger warning: This article is meant for individuals struggling with their faith. It is in no way "anti-religion," but it may bring up some difficult feelings. This space is meant to be a safe space and any negative/hurtful comments will be deleted.*

First of all: What is a religious exiter? A religious exiter is simply, someone who has chosen to leave their religion.

One of the most difficult things about leaving religion is feeling judged by family, friends, or members of your former religious community. If you grew up in a close-knit religious group, you may have witnessed members gossiping about people who left before you. Maybe you witnessed members or clergy privately or publicly criticizing exiters for being weak, evil, or unworthy. Perhaps you participated in discussions about how to get the person to come back to church. All of these past experiences may lead you to believe that you will be talked about in the same way.

If you have made a solid decision to take your life in a different direction, hopefully you will be largely unaffected by others’ reactions. However, sometimes it’s not that easy, which is why it can be really good to talk to someone who has been there;

I promise, what you are experiencing is normal.

I thought it might be helpful for exiters as well as current church members, family, and friends to gain a deeper understanding around some common negative messages and misconceptions about individuals who choose to leave religion.

Here are just a few:

Myth #1: You just want to “sin” or be “immoral.”

The idea that people leave religion because they want to sin is probably the most common misconception about religious exiters. First of all, “sin” is a social construct that is only relevant in the context of religious beliefs. And although religions often equate sins with morality, they are not necessarily the same thing. Like sin, morality is also dependent on context, and although a religion may declare a specific behavior as immoral, that same behavior in a different context may be perfectly acceptable, even moral.

Is it possible to live a moral life without religious belief? Some would say no, absolutely not, for if we do not have rules to follow and consequences for our failures then where is the motivation to be good, to be moral?

According to researcher and author Phil Zuckerman, a sense of morality often increased once his participants left their religions.

Why? How? Well, because they were no longer obeying a set of rules to avoid punishment or damnation. Post-religion, they had to really look at their own behavior and how their choices affected other people and the world. So, although maybe they were not obeying every single rule outlined by their former religion, they felt like they had developed a higher level of maturity around issues related to morality.

Myth #2: You are just weak.

First of all, no: A weak person does not risk losing their entire social support network just to stop going to church. It takes tremendous courage to not only look closely at your beliefs but to be open to the possibility that what you have believed your entire life could be wrong for you. Research shows that for many, telling their family that they no longer want to be part of their childhood religion is akin to “coming out.” Often, they have been hiding their identity as a non-believer for quite some time. They may have been acting religious, attending meetings, participating in rituals, etc., when deep down, they had serious doubts. They may have had to hide who they were, keeping up appearances in order to avoid the negative consequences of revealing their true selves.

Finding the courage to tell the people you love that you no longer want to be part of the religion you all belong to can be extremely anxiety ridden, even terrifying.

Of course, I don’t want to minimize what LGBTQIA+ folx experience when they come out to family and friends, at all. Of course it’s not the same – coming out as non-religious does not have the same societal or cultural ramifications as those faced by LGBTQIA+ folx. And for LBGTQIA+ folx who were raised in high-demand religions, or any religion that is non-affirming toward them? This can make coming out as non-religious even harder, and this needs to be recognized, supported, and acknowledged.

Myth #3: It’s just a phase.

Several participants in my own study of religious transition described relentless attempts by family members to persuade the religious exiter to return to the faith. They described family members telling them it was “just a phase,” that they would return. Of course, such language is not at all surprising, but it can be incredibly invalidating. By the time someone decides that they are ready to share their exit story with their family or friends, they have likely been thinking about it for a very long time. Leaving religion, especially a high-demand religion doesn’t just happen on a whim. People who leave have most often been stewing over the decision for years.

Perhaps not surprisingly, people in the United States are becoming less and less religious.

In the context of religious identity, religious “nones” – or people who do not identify with any religion at all, are the fastest growing group of individuals in the United States. Also, younger generations are becoming less and less religious. There are many reasons for this, but suffice it to say, that being non-religious is no longer as stigmatized as it once was. In fact, about 40% of millennials identify as non-religious regardless of if they were raised going to church or not.

Myth #4: You are selfish, you don’t care about your family.

I don’t want to keep saying the same thing over and over – but here goes: If people who left religion didn’t care about their families, they would not keep their doubts or non-religious identity secret for years, even decades. I am sure there are outliers out there – people who either don’t care, or are totally unaffected by their family’s reactions, but in most cases, telling your family is hard. And why is it hard?

It’s hard because you don’t want to hurt anyone.

And in some cases, a child or sibling leaving religion feels personal. It can feel like a rejection of your entire upbringing. The thing is, it’s not that. Leaving religion is not personal, in that, it’s not meant to hurt the people you love. I think it’s really important to acknowledge how hard it can be for family members who feel like they are losing you to a life that is vastly different from their expectations.

And at the same time, we have to acknowledge how hard it is to be the person leaving the religion.

Upsetting your family, risking being shunned or cut off, losing lifelong relationships – all of these things are extremely difficult, which is why people often avoid the conversation completely or put it off for long periods of time.

Myth #5: You didn’t try hard enough.

For some, no amount of prayer, scripture study, church attendance, or obedience will reconcile the doubts they have about their church.

This does not mean they didn’t try. In fact, studies show that during the questioning phase of religious change, individuals often attempt to resolve religious uncertainties through increased religious participation including frequent prayer, scripture reading, church attendance, and seeking counsel from religious authorities. This period of increased religious activity (which can go on for years) is often an attempt to reconcile questions or doubts that individuals have about their faith or religious organization. Sometimes, people decide during this phase that they actually want to stay affiliated with their religion, but for others, these activities don’t provide the answers they are looking for; eventually, they may decide that leaving the faith is the best way for them to live an authentic life.

Myth #6: You are possessed, or influenced by dark forces.

It is difficult to refute something that is not provable (possession, the devil, evil forces), but it should be acknowledged how damaging it can be to tell someone they are possessed or being taken over by evil forces when they are questioning their faith. Although the person telling you that you are under the influence of evil forces may truly believe what they are saying, this narrative can be extremely damaging to your mental health. Even if you have decided that you no longer believe in such things, you may have been raised to believe that dark forces are real, and you may have an automatic reaction that tells your nervous system that you are in danger. These feelings can lead to increased anxiety, panic attacks, frightening dreams, depression, and fear. You may even interpret your physiological and emotional reactions as proof that you are evil, or that you are being influenced by the devil, and that can be hard to sort out. This is where seeking therapy can really help – you may be surprised how many people experience this type of fear when questioning their faith. It is perfectly normal, and understandable!

Myth #7: You won’t be happy, not really.

Although religious or spiritual belief has been shown to be correlated with positive mental health outcomes, the positive effects that religion can provide is not absolutely true for every person and every religion. Religious people, according to the research, are not necessarily happier, in fact, some religions can cause people to feel unworthy, unsafe, infantilized, or just generally unhappy. And although leaving religion isn’t always easy, individuals who go through the process of leaving and mourning the various losses incurred upon leaving, leaving religion is often, ultimately a positive experience.

Post-religion, you may experience newfound opportunities for self-reflection, personal transformation, identity re-formation, and a sense of freedom to explore alternative ideologies.

All of these factors can lead to profound personal growth. No longer feeling pressured to conform or fit into a specific mold, you may feel free to form new and different social bonds outside your religious group for the first time. After a period of masking, or pretending to still believe to avoid conflict with family or friends, the opportunity to live authentically can improve your sense of self-mastery and self-concept, self-esteem, and self-efficacy.

Final word:

So, while religion is clearly so helpful for so many, for others, the religion they were born into or joined with their family as children just simply no longer works for them, and being misjudged by those you love can be so, so hard to deal with. I really want to emphasize how important it is to talk to people who understand. There are online groups (some better than others), support groups, and books and articles you can read. Check out my resources for this article below. Phil Zuckerman's book is a great place to start.

And finally, you are not alone, I promise, and if you need support, I would love to work with you, help you heal from the trauma, help you rebuild your identity, and develop a solid sense of self – a self that feels empowered and joyful about your life going forward.

References:

Cox, D. & Thomson-DeVeaux, A. (2019). Millennials are leaving religion and not coming back. Retrieved from: https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/millennials-are-leaving-religion-and-not-coming-back/

Fazzino, L. L. (2014). Leaving the church behind: Applying a deconversion perspective to evangelical exit narratives. Journal of Contemporary Religion, 29(2), 249-266

Hinderaker, A., & O’Connor, A. (2015). The long road out: Exit stories from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Communication Studies, 66(5), 509-527.

Lee, K. A. & Gubi, P. M. (2019). Breaking up with Jesus: A phenomenological exploration of the experience of deconversion from an evangelical Christian faith to Atheism. Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 22(2), 171-184.

Nica, A. A. (2020). Leaving my religion: How ex-fundamentalists reconstruct identity related to well-being. Journal of Religion and Health, 59(4), 2120-2134.

Zuckerman, P. (2012). Faith no more: Why people reject religion. Oxford University Press.